does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
