somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
