I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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