Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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