watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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