I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
