I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
