We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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