I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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