I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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