Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was born a porn star she said
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
