Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
