My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
