So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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