last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
