so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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