Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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