my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
