I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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