can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry about my life...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
