This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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