the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
