the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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