Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
