Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
