I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
