what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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