i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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