I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
did you just send me my own nude
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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