theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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