I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Houston, we have a squirter
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
