it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
