Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
