yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
