I wish I could teleport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
