Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
