i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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