If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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