How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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