An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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