Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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