Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
