You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
