I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
