theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
