So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
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I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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