I cannot find my penis.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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