then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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