You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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