I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
