Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
