While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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