Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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