omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
