Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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