I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
