Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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