i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize