If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
