eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
