We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
