dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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