Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
