It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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