I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
