so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
